I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Randomize
