I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
