I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
