My hair reeks of homosexuality.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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