my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
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