She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize