we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
My ass is underappreciated
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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