You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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