When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
