New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
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