i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
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all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
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He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
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