there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
