what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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