I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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