All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.