I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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