If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
