That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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