I CAN MOONWALK!
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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