it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
