I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize