when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
The adults are the big ones right?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
