upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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