If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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