I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
