i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
