Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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