google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
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