Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize