I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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