He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
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Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
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I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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