you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Randomize
