the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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