My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
