I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
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