I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Randomize
