Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
