So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
