Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
