Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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