I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
