There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
