Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
