got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
