If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
