he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
