You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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