New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
