don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
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