god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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