You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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