nut hugger
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
you had me at cake vodka
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
