She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
No subtext here. People are naked.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Randomize
