She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
