I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
