I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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