you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
