He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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