They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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