i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
