Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
