I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
