i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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