i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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